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[corrosive]

@damon.salvatore | ■ ▲ ◌ ▼

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@caroline.forbes / smashes champagne on this bad boy

[gasping]

I HATE HER AND NO ONE WILL LET ME KILL HER

[ hey there long time no talk ]

[corrosive]

( oh, hi caroline. don’t think he doesn’t know you’ve been talking about him. to people. okay, one person that he knows of. )

Who is she and why do I care?

[gasping]

she's so judgy!!! like elena judgey but RUDER.

[corrosive]

And?

( don't make him be the adult here!! )

[gasping]

and i had the chance to kill her and i didn't take it because we were in a FREAKING DREAM and now she's like a judgy little harpy who will never ever shut up about how TERRIBLE and SELFISH and MONSTERY i am

and i hate her

[corrosive]

So to paraphrase: she’s you and in this scenario, you’re me.

( yup, he’s getting a kick out of this. )

Still missing the part about why I should care.

[gasping]

because she knows, that's why

[ and if she knows about caroline, it won't take long before she knows about damon. ]

[corrosive]

Psychopath 101: don’t openly threaten your arch nemesis on a public forum.

( if he missed it the first time, he definitely went to do some digging after her rant. )

Is she going to blab? ( believe it or not, damon sort of likes clarke. )

[gasping]

i don't have an arch nemesis, oh my god

[ it's not a cartoon!!! ]

and i don't know! maybe! if she thinks it'll help her "i'm better than everybody else" kick

[ the betrayal is Real ]

[corrosive]

Everyone knows you stab them in a dark alley where there aren’t any onlookers.

( everyone else’s life is a cartoon to him. )

Clarke brought me whiskey. ( she didn’t seem condescending when she did that. ) But if I need to handle it, I will. The last thing we need is a bunch of stake-wielding weirdos running around. One was plenty. Thanks for that, by the way.

1/2

[gasping]

yeah, well, she tried to kill me. the whiskey would have been nicer.

[ fuck clarke's superpower, by the way. it sucks. ]

[gasping]

wait
did you get staked?

[corrosive]

( and maybe damon would care if she hadn't told jason about him. as it is, he's not about to put in any extra work to solve her problems. his first impulse is to kill, sure, but he has to consider a couple things here: jason threatened to come after him if he hurt caroline or any of the displaced ( big freaking deal ) and that his feeding pool is extremely limited. the latter's what's on his mind. )

No, but I'm pretty sure it was his version of the 'you hurt her again and I'll break your kneecaps' speech.

[gasping]

[ it takes her a minute. ]

well, he could probably do it.

[ she's Annoyed that he didn't listen to her, but... well. damon's also a grade-a jerk, so. one weird intimate moment that they're decidedly not talking about doesn't change that. ]

[corrosive]

Not if I rip his throat out.

[gasping]

i like him. don't do that.

[corrosive]

He started it.

And if he comes after me, I'm not holding back.

[gasping]

technically speaking, i'm pretty sure you started it.

[ you know, when you did the whole compelling her to be your dungeon girl thing. ]

if you kill him, i'm not going to cover for you.

[corrosive]

Ditto.

( .....nobody says that. )

In fact, I'd light the first match for throwing me under the bus.

[gasping]

oh, whatever. you deserve way worse than me telling somebody to steer clear of your bad moods.

[corrosive]

Except he didn't steer clear of my bad mood. He tried to trigger it, which means he's either really dumb or just stupid enough to think he's invincible.

[gasping]

wow, that sounds so familiar???

[ pot meet kettle ]

[corrosive]

You deal with your carbon copy. I'll deal with mine.

( and don't come crying to him when you get kidnapped for the fifteenth time. )

[gasping]

[ oh god is that why she has a thing for him... because he's like damon... kill her ]

she is not my carbon copy!

[corrosive]

Blonde, know-it-all, cares about the many over the one, holier-than-thou — did I miss anything?